Tuesday night POTUS will be addressing Congress and the nation in his first State of the Union address, and you may be debating whether to watch. This is not a decision you should approach casually. If you feel incapable of witnessing the event, no one will think any the less of you.
However, if you feel that watching is a matter of civic duty, or if you're into some sick, twisted S&M cult and get off on pain, here are some items you should have on hand —
- Bucket of soapy water with mop for cleanup in case you don't make it to the bathroom in time
- Candy thermometer to tell you when your blood is about to boil.
- A recording of Representative Joe Wilson's "You lie!" on repeating 30-second loop
- A portable emergency eyewash unit for rinsing your eyes after seeing the Sergeant-at-Arms announce "Mister Speaker, the President of the United States!" and Donald Trump enters.
- Alternative device for Googling "facts." This may include determining whether Irkutsk is a state in the Union, the Confederate Army's surrender at Appomattox was "fake news," and whether Nancy Pelosi and Frederick Douglass have a love child.
- Fully-charged portable phone for unexpected contingencies, say, needing to call a suicide prevention hotline
An inflatable raft and swift-water rescue gear in case your home becomes flooded with bullshit
If you plan NOT to watch the State of the Union, and need alternative activities that are less excruciating, here's are some suggestions —
- Clean your gutters: A bit more dangerous at night, but it has to get done, am I right?
- Deal with the bag of potatoes that's been fermenting in your refrigerator's vegetable drawer since you left on summer vacation
- Dog owners have the option of taking this time slot to express their pet's anal glands
- Colonoscopy: Don't be put off by office assistants who may say, "We don't schedule those at night," or "Didn't you just have one last week?"
Wishing you a mercifully short speech. Bigly.