The two co-founders of the Ludicrous Hair Club for Men are going at it tooth and nail. What could possibly go wrong?
July 28, 2017
After 7 years of vilification, obstruction, misrepresentation, legal challenges, and unrelenting scorn for the ACA, we finally have proof that the Republicans ain't got nothin'. Senator McConnell, how would you like those eggs?
You’re probably wondering, “How can I get fake news to work for me?” The President, Kelleyanne Conway, Sean Spicer, and the whole crew make it look so darn easy! Just imagine how liberating it would be for YOU to be divorced from any kind of verifiable reality!!
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The following is a leaked translation of a meeting held this week between the highest ranking members of the Russian Foreign Intelligence Service (СВР РФ) and Vladmir Putin.
Putin: Thank you all for coming on such short notice. We have a growing crisis in the United States that needs immediate resolution.
(unintelligible muttering from attendees)
Putin: I speak of course about the situation with President Trump, which is souring faster than a cup of goat’s milk in Chernobyl in July. Yes, Arkady?
Speaker 1: I thought we were so pleased with the way the election went. We had such a nice celebration at your summer home in Sochi.
Putin: (Sighs) True. But everything has changed. The intelligence agencies are snooping around Donald’s staff’s records, looking for the smallest clue about our, um, special relationship. We all know what they’re really after.
Speaker 2: You don’t mean….
Putin: Yes, the tax returns. Who has them?
Speaker 3: I do. Or did. I can assure you they will never be recovered. We sealed them inside a depleted uranium strong box which we buried inside an abandoned salt mine in Siberia. Then we blew up the tunnel and flooded the mine shaft with 15 million gallons of water.
Putin: Well done, Boris. Still, it’s not impossible that there’s a copy we missed. And even without them, the contacts between us and Trump’s inner circle keep bubbling to the surface, and Congress is, what is the expression, twisting up their knickers? Even the Republicans! No, this is gathering a very unpleasant momentum.
Speaker 1: Is it time to release the "Peeing Hooker" tapes?
Putin: Sadly, I’ve come to the realization that those are worthless. The people who hate Trump will not be surprised. The people who adore him will either believe the recording is a fake, or even applaud his audacity. Trump may even start a trend in the States.
(Laughter heard around the room)
Speaker 1: So what are our options?
Putin: I’m afraid we may have to look at a more…..permanent solution.
(Shouts, arguments heard around room)
Speaker 3: Um, Mr. President, wouldn’t that be an invitation to World War III? It’s one thing to slip a Russian reporter some tea laced with polonium, or gun down a traitorous political opponent outside the Kremlin, but Trump?
Putin: We’re looking at our options. It may take some intensive analysis.
(Knock heard at the door)
Speaker 2: Who can that possibly be? No one else has clearance here!
(Sounds of door opening, footsteps)
Putin: Queen Elizabeth! Your Highness, what on earth are you doing here?
Queen Elizabeth: Good afternoon to you all. (giggles) I have a friend at MI5 who informed me about your meeting, and I wanted to offer my assistance.
Putin: In what way?
Queen Elizabeth: I’ve come to the decision that that odious man, Mr. Trump, has to be removed.
Putin: Uh, so how does that involve you?
Queen Elizabeth: You know the President is coming for a state visit. Parliament did their best to keep him out, but Prime Minister May invited him, and there’s simply nothing to be done. The entire royal family is in an uproar. We’ve found a chastity belt in a British Museum’s storage locker, and we're having it fitted for Kate, just to ensure he can’t grab her royal muffin with his tiny paws.
Putin: So what are you suggesting?
Queen Elizabeth: We’re planning a tea for Mr. Trump. Wouldn't it be tragic if one of the scones was a little past it’s “use by” date, if you get my drift? Perhaps it has the teensiest bit of one of those nasty bugs your scientists cook up, or has a cranberry that sadly fell into a vial of ricin. Whatever.
Putin: But sooner or later they’ll find out you were involved!
Queen Elizabeth: No matter. I’m 90 years old, I’m an addled old woman. What can they do to me? And I’ve even been working on my senile dementia routine. Look at this!
(muttered incoherent sounds, cries, moans)
(slurred whisper) Do…I…know…you?
Putin: Nailed it!
Tuesday night POTUS will be addressing Congress and the nation in his first State of the Union address, and you may be debating whether to watch. This is not a decision you should approach casually. If you feel incapable of witnessing the event, no one will think any the less of you.
However, if you feel that watching is a matter of civic duty, or if you're into some sick, twisted S&M cult and get off on pain, here are some items you should have on hand —
- Bucket of soapy water with mop for cleanup in case you don't make it to the bathroom in time
- Candy thermometer to tell you when your blood is about to boil.
- A recording of Representative Joe Wilson's "You lie!" on repeating 30-second loop
- A portable emergency eyewash unit for rinsing your eyes after seeing the Sergeant-at-Arms announce "Mister Speaker, the President of the United States!" and Donald Trump enters.
- Alternative device for Googling "facts." This may include determining whether Irkutsk is a state in the Union, the Confederate Army's surrender at Appomattox was "fake news," and whether Nancy Pelosi and Frederick Douglass have a love child.
- Fully-charged portable phone for unexpected contingencies, say, needing to call a suicide prevention hotline
An inflatable raft and swift-water rescue gear in case your home becomes flooded with bullshit
If you plan NOT to watch the State of the Union, and need alternative activities that are less excruciating, here's are some suggestions —
- Clean your gutters: A bit more dangerous at night, but it has to get done, am I right?
- Deal with the bag of potatoes that's been fermenting in your refrigerator's vegetable drawer since you left on summer vacation
- Dog owners have the option of taking this time slot to express their pet's anal glands
- Colonoscopy: Don't be put off by office assistants who may say, "We don't schedule those at night," or "Didn't you just have one last week?"
Wishing you a mercifully short speech. Bigly.
Senator Lindsay Graham has sworn to make 2017 the year "the US Senate kicks Russia's ass." I’m scared stiff about all this Russo-American unpleasantness. But probably not for the reasons you’d think.
Oh sure, there’s those egghead physicists who calculate the Doomsday Clock who’re all running around with their hair on fire saying the election of Trump puts us 2 minutes 30 seconds away from “midnight.” They claim that the Prez’s tendency to say whatever verbal dust bunny flits through his brain at any given moment raises the risk for some crazy apocalyptic nuclear boo-boo. Sad!
Frankly, this doesn’t concern me one bit. I grew up with atom bomb drills in elementary school, and I can tell you from personal experience, it’s not that big a deal. If you hear sirens, you go into a hallway somewhere, sit with your feet to the wall, put your hands over your head, and you’re good to go! Literally!! That’s all there is to it. I don’t really know why we had drills all the time, because if you do it once, you’ve pretty much mastered all the necessary skills.
No, what has my knickers in a twist is what happens to other aspects of Russian-American relations.
There’s a high risk that Putin might pull the plug on our supply of YouTube Russian epic fail videos. Don't pretend you haven't seen them— clips of teens balancing on the I-beams of skyscrapers under construction, dash-cams of drunk truck drivers veering across 8 lanes of traffic, and army tanks crushing cars at intersections when they don’t have the right-of-way.
Vladimir has us by the short hairs on this one, and I can only imagine the panic at YouTube headquarters at the prospect of a dwindling supply of Ruskie fuckup vids. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if their execs were lobbying Secretary of Defense James Mattis to calm the waters in the Kremlin on their behalf.
There’s also the issue of a possible worldwide shortage of ballerinas, tennis and hockey players, not to mention Olympic women’s gymnasts who for some reason have to shave every morning.
And don’t get me started on Russian nesting dolls. You have to hand it to the Ruble heads, they broke the mold with that one. Children under two will make you take apart and reassemble those damn things until your eyes roll up in your head. Sorry to say, we simply don’t have anything in the pipeline to replace that piece of Cossack ingenuity.
Finally, there’s the looming possibility that the Russian caviar cartels will cut us off from their premium Beluga, which is already $130 or more per ounce. Can you imagine the scene at Dean and DeLuca if the price doubles or triples, with people crushed to death in their rush to get the last tins of Black Russian Osetra Karat Caviar. Oh, the humanity!!
But then, what do I know? It could be there's really nothing going on with Russia at all. I only know what I see on the fake news.
Georgy Porgy, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
Georgie blew them all away.
To Market, To Market
To market, to market, to buy a handgun,
Home again, home again. Wow, that was fun!
To market, to market to buy seven Uzis,
I got them, too, and boy, are they doozies!
To market, to market, to buy a new Glock,
But there was a shooting, so they closed down the block.
Mary, Mary quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With carbine clips and hollow tips,
And tombstones all in a row.
Little Jack Horner
Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Holding his Daddy’s Colt.
He gave the trigger a squeeze
Blew off one of his knees
And said, “AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!
Patty Cake, Patty Cake
Patty cake, patty cake
Gun show man,
Sell me a gun,
as fast as you can!
I’ll pay for it, pronto,
with no guarantee
That I won’t use it
for my first killing spree!
The ascendance of The Donald has everyone scratching their heads. How has our democracy slumped to this?
Trump has simultaneously channeled P.T. Barnum, Senator Joe McCarthy, and Valdemort, bewitching millions of disillusioned, fearful and angry folks around the country. We’ve waited for his Waterloo moment, when he finally goes TOO FAR. Nothing doing. Apparently no vulgarity, no contemptuous insinuation, no outright lie breaks the spell. Au contraire, it only strengthens his appeal.
His supporters mistake Trump’s unfiltered proclamations for sincerity, his bullying for strength. They somehow believe his immense wealth makes him incorruptible, conveniently ignoring the fact that he cynically pulled the strings of an amoral (sometimes immoral) financial system to accumulate his stash in the first place.
They see his unapologetic racial, sexual and religious aspersions as a signal that he’ll transport America back to the 1950’s.
Wasn't that a sweet, sweet time?
Any guy with a high school diploma could make a nice buck at a factory, before all the plants packed up and moved to Mexico, China, Kuala Lumpur, or wherever.
If you went out and about, you didn’t see brown people everywhere, speaking incomprehensible languages. We didn’t have women and colored folks getting all up in our faces about living and earning equally.
Everyone just understood that black lives didn’t matter, and had the common courtesy not to bring it up every time a brotha’s body had to be retrieved from the precinct station.
And yes, it’s undeniably true that we didn’t have to concern ourselves with jihadists shooting up malls and government buildings.
For his fans, Trump offers reassurance that we can get back there, though it’s a given that he knows perfectly well it can’t happen. But for Donald, that’s beside the point, or rather, his point. His exclusive focus is feeding his insatiable appetite for power and self-aggrandizement. Who really cares if anything he says is true?
Trump’s fans do have some things right. They understand at a gut level that the country needs to be shaken up, and rejiggered. So many of our financial, political, and social institutions feel broken, ossified, and corrupted.
Congress can scarcely find a way to pass a law to save itself, and critical issues continue to fester—immigration, climate change, gun violence, gross inequities in our criminal justice system, tax policy are just a few. The excruciating ordeal of ailing World Trade Center first responders to get the James Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act passed is a sad window into just how bad things have gotten.
Congress’ dysfunction isn’t an accident. Our national legislature can’t enact laws because we no longer have a shared vision of our national aspirations, or even reality. Trump rides a wave of paranoid resentment that’s been building for a generation or more, driven by the hot winds of Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Laura Ingraham, and the entire Fox News enterprise.
It’s hard to imagine what might bring us back together, but it’s safe to say, it sure as hell isn’t Donald. He might very well finish the Disuniting of America.
Will Trump finally implode? Will he finally go TOO FAR? We’d first have to find where too far is located.